The Life of Glory

Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused ...

I took this selfie today while my dogs were eating. I had just woken up from a post seizure nap and flopped on the floor to feed them. I wasn’t going to post anything but this photo was so beautifully honest and raw, I had to. This picture shows my sadness, my weakness, my frustration, my real and beautiful self. Yesterday I went hiking with my husband, friends, and our dogs. Today I’m sitting on the floor, weak and in pain from another seizure. But all I can think of is a song by India Arie called Break the Shell. “Child it’s time to break the shell Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself You cannot fly, until you break the shell” I know I personally have a thick shell from a lot of pain but today, in the midst of my post seizure recovery, I know it’s starting to break. After years of wrestling with PTSD and NES and other incurable diseases while being shunned and ignored, I finally feel like freedom is around the corner. Hea...

There is little I like less  than intermittently being unable to walk. I just spent two days painfully using a cane to walk. I wish I had a wheelchair to get around in for these moments but neither my house or work has wheelchair access. Using a cane when your legs don't want to hold you up is so painful. The palms of my hands, my fingers, my wrists, my arms all hurt from holding me up for two days. Yesterday morning I pretty much slid down the ladder from our loft bed to go to the bathroom, which is currently in a different house because ours is out of order. When I reached the steps to my tiny house on the way back I literally sat down and dragged myself up them. I was so exhausted when I made it inside I just sat on the floor with my head on the couch crying. This is life. This, apparently, is Porphyria.  It hurts to be this physically weak and I hate  feeling useless . When you suddenly can't walk and you don't know how many days the muscle weakness will c...

I left Christianity. I was angry at this idea that "all things were possible for me" except obeying/pleasing God. I was also angry at how I was treated in churches time and again. To me, there was no difference between what they called "the world" and Christians. To me, the "non believers" in my life were the genuine people who actually cared about me. That was when I embarked on the greatest journey of my life. After a year of trying (and failing) to be an atheist, I decided to give God one last chance. One last chance to prove himself to me because, frankly, He wouldn't stop talking to me . In novels, on television shows, everywhere I looked I was reminded of verses that spoke too accurately to my thoughts. I apparently didn't even need to pick up a Bible with all the years I had spent reading and studying it. But God didn't save people from treating other people like shit. This was the heart of my problem. Everywhere I looked in Christia...

"Mental Problems," and "Panic Attacks," are labels that limit and frustrate us. Us, being me and anyone like me who has been taught that we are, in fact, limited . I say "taught" because I have fought  this teaching tooth and nail and limb my whole life in order to achieve what I want. Remember everyone asking you what you wanted to be when you "grow up" and having to research colleges and majors in high school? Well, I studied and explored my options and was excited about my conclusion. However, when I went to an adult in my life and told her, she told me I wouldn't be able to handle it. Without hesitation. When I came to my own defense she continued to shoot it down.  She was right at the moment, but not because my anxiety wouldn't have been able to deal. She was right because no one believed I could do anything . The fact of the matter is that because I had mental problems there wasn't a single adult in my life that believ...

“Too hard.” How many times have you heard that phrase? I’ve heard it a lot. When you wrestle with mental health issues, this phrase and concept especially seems to come up. In church, it was too hard to please God because “all have sinned and fall short.” At home it was too hard to please my family because of my uncontrollable emotional outbursts and overwhelming circumstances. Around everyone else it was too hard to be who they wanted me to be because I hyperventilated and started experiencing painful muscle spasms they all got uncomfortable with. It often felt like every place I turned, especially as a teen, everyone expected me to be someone else . When I was young I clung to my Christian faith like God was the only life raft there was to save me, but I couldn’t quite get in and so I constantly felt like I was about to drown. I clung and clung, trying to feel accepted by someone as people (peers and adults alike) alienated me because I made them uncomfortable. It was ...

I always hated being told I had mental problems when I was a kid. As if I had no choice but to succumb to erratic panic, heart palpitations, and other emotional outbursts everyone deemed as my mental problems . How is it possible that my mind could have a "mind of its own," so to speak? Am I a slave to my own body? Most people won't tell you that you can control your mind. The Buddhist idea of enlightenment is essentially about having control of your mind to find nirvana in absolute truth. The Torah is filled with encouragement that nothing commanded is too hard to do . Yet, psychiatrists told me that I'd just have to try to prevent panicking. As if they didn't think that I could.  All of life is one day at a time of new experiences, hurtles, struggles, etc., that we have never faced before. It is impossible to prevent freaking out from every single one of those new experiences. The real problem is that freaking out is considered wrong. When I was...

One of the most difficult things about growing up in the church with a blanket of "mental illness" over your head is that its theology can result in some pretty messed up conclusions. For instance, Christian theology taught me that humans are awful apart from Christ. Doesn't sound too bad, but add the plethora of sins we supposedly can't help but commit even "after" or "with" Christ and it becomes impossible to please God no matter what you do. The answer they have to this is heaven. So, I naturally concluded that dying and going to heaven was my answer and sought to make that happen sooner rather than later. I was alone at home on a hot afternoon. A young teenager, angry and hopeless and in tears. I had decided that slitting my wrist and bleeding out was the way I was going to end it all. Right then. With the knife to my wrist, someone said my name. I put the knife down and called out, afraid someone had come home and would catch me. I wal...

Once upon a time my parents were told by psychiatrists that I was anorexic and had a panic disorder.  Anorexic because no one bothered to mention that a loss of appetite is a common side effect of anti-depressants in young children. I was institutionalized for not eating and then hospitalized when I could hardly stand on my own. I was 10 years old. A panic disorder because I had a phobia of vomit and didn't know how to handle being overwhelmed by chaotic situations. Fast forward to college and I had learned how to panic over new situations without hyperventilating. I even learned how to handle vomit to a degree. However, my symptoms got worse. I started going paralyzed out of the blue, without panicking over anything . New symptoms arose like extreme dizziness, muscle weakness, mental confusion and disorientation. So I became distraught and even depressed. Then one day, in a delightfully hot bath with melancholy thoughts, I suddenly found myself breathing water. I FREA...