The Life of Glory

Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused

I took this selfie today while my dogs were eating. I had just woken up from a post seizure nap and flopped on the floor to feed them. I wasn’t going to post anything but this photo was so beautifully honest and raw, I had to. This picture shows my sadness, my weakness, my frustration, my real and beautiful self. Yesterday I went hiking with my husband, friends, and our dogs. Today I’m sitting on the floor, weak and in pain from another seizure. But all I can think of is a song by India Arie called Break the Shell. “Child it’s time to break the shell Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself You cannot fly, until you break the shell” I know I personally have a thick shell from a lot of pain but today, in the midst of my post seizure recovery, I know it’s starting to break. After years of wrestling with PTSD and NES and other incurable diseases while being shunned and ignored, I finally feel like freedom is around the corner. Hea

Muscle weakness may last just a couple of days sometimes, but the emotional struggles it triggers linger much longer. Each day is one task at a time, pretending that I'm not afraid it will happen again. Especially now, as work is extremely busy, I push away the anxiety that threatens me around every turn. I have to remind myself that I can only do what I can and I have to be okay with not doing what I cannot.  It has taken me years to recognize this. That there are things I cannot, in fact, do.  ...and that is okay. Saying you can't do something is not saying you can't do anything .  So I stop to smell the wildflowers, make time to read, play Solitaire or Kings in the Corner. Whatever I can make time to do to quiet my mind and think of nothing or anything else. But most importantly, I focus on people.  The people around me don't care if I use a cane, or don't come to work for a couple days, or need to ask for help with a few meals or with my dogs.