once upon a painful time

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I left Christianity. I was angry at this idea that "all things were possible for me" except obeying/pleasing God. I was also angry at how I was treated in churches time and again. To me, there was no difference between what they called "the world" and Christians. To me, the "non believers" in my life were the genuine people who actually cared about me. That was when I embarked on the greatest journey of my life.

After a year of trying (and failing) to be an atheist, I decided to give God one last chance. One last chance to prove himself to me because, frankly, He wouldn't stop talking to me. In novels, on television shows, everywhere I looked I was reminded of verses that spoke too accurately to my thoughts. I apparently didn't even need to pick up a Bible with all the years I had spent reading and studying it. But God didn't save people from treating other people like shit. This was the heart of my problem. Everywhere I looked in Christianity, there were people being shunned and condemned by others for feeling, thinking, speaking, crying. The standards were constantly changing and people were just as impossible to please as their god. 

So, in one last stitch effort, I read the Torah (Genesis through Deuteronomy) in eight days. 


I was put down, judged and avoided for my mental and physical illnesses and Jesus didn't fix it. When I read the Torah in those precious eight days, I realized (for the first time) that there was nothing irreparably wrong with me. The Torah taught me that to love YHWH is to obey Him and that His instructions are easy (Deuteronomy 30). I don't think I can express the freedom this truth brought to my life. The life I gained from it. 

I have no cure for my diseases. Yeshua has not magically taken them away. However, I can live with them. Bad shit happens in this cause and effect world system we were all born into. What we really need healing from is seeing life, with its illnesses and emotional tribulations, as unbearable.

Life is not unbearable.

 You are worth it. Your life is worth it. 

Till next time,
Kelly Ann

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