The Life of Glory

When I was in college, I was obsessed with Deuteronomy 30:11. "For this command which I am commanding you today, it is not too hard for you , nor is it far off." As I've mentioned before, I was studying theology in college and struggling with mental and physical illness. All my studying kept bringing me back to the question that was defining me at the time, "what's the point in living?" and I kept reverting back to suicide.  This verse was my lifeline.  Christian theology was telling me that the Old Testament laws were too hard to obey and that is why Jesus came. But, as a perfectionist, "too hard" is too much for me to bear. However, these words told me that it was , in fact, possible to please/obey and therefore, love God. When I finally found YHWH in the Torah, He led me to a simple and beautiful beginning.  Biblical Festivals/Shabbats and the dietary laws. Nothing complicated. Just weekly rest, 7 festivals, and changin...

Christian theology emphasizes our fallen world and fallen humanity right and left. Jesus came to be the "2nd Adam" because the first Adam condemned us all to be slaves to sin (no matter how hard we fight it).  I have a big problem with this teaching. The aim is to point everyone to their need for salvation and make what is holy fundamentally necessary in our lives (i.e., to point us to Christ). However, the reality is that it teaches us to look down on our planet, ourselves, and those around us as fallen or ruined until Christ comes again. Salvation is supposed to be what sets us free from this slavery to sin and death. However, Christianity never gave me freedom from sin. It merely gave me freedom to confess my sins and gave me forgiveness . Sure, that perfect, utopian, absolute freedom from sin happens when you die or Jesus returns, but what about now? I'll be honest, as a kid, it made me hate myself, and want to kill myself. I'm talking ...

The greatest gift that my Elohim (God) ever gave me was to tell me that He was set apart from the “Church.” Different from, and not equal to all the shit I was experiencing from church people and all the doctrine I was wrestling with. It happened several years ago. I was just done with everything. Believing in God was exhausting and too painful. So I set out to become an atheist. Only God wouldn’t stop talking. He reminded me of Scripture I didn’t even know I had memorized while watching movies, tv shows, reading books that weren’t supposed to be his mouthpiece. Every day, He spoke to me. So, I challenged Him. I went for a hike and I challenged God’s existence and character, until finally I said, “If you are like [list of names I won’t mention] then I want nothing to do with you.” The answer was earth shattering for me. I sat down and cried for an hour, probably. Completely confused and dumbfounded by its meaning. “I am not the church.” “Who are you, then?” I asked. “Rea...

The word, "repentance" used to make my skin crawl. I remember telling my youth pastor in Jr. High that I didn't have anything to repent of and he acted as though I was an even worse person for thinking  I had done nothing wrong. But I was a good kid. I never did anything that I was told was wrong. Ever. But this  belief  lead me to  years  of feeling guilty for things the Bible does not declare sin.  In my previous post ( breaking the shell one piece at a time ) I mentioned that I read the Torah in eight, life changing days. This was back in 2013. The year I toured across country and released my self-titled debut album. The year I almost became an atheist. The year I made peace with repentance.  I dug into the Torah to answer this one question, "what are sins?" I ended up with a lot more than I bargained for.  Not to say that I have all  the answers, I only have the answers I, personally, needed in order to heal. That b...

Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused ...

I left Christianity. I was angry at this idea that "all things were possible for me" except obeying/pleasing God. I was also angry at how I was treated in churches time and again. To me, there was no difference between what they called "the world" and Christians. To me, the "non believers" in my life were the genuine people who actually cared about me. That was when I embarked on the greatest journey of my life. After a year of trying (and failing) to be an atheist, I decided to give God one last chance. One last chance to prove himself to me because, frankly, He wouldn't stop talking to me . In novels, on television shows, everywhere I looked I was reminded of verses that spoke too accurately to my thoughts. I apparently didn't even need to pick up a Bible with all the years I had spent reading and studying it. But God didn't save people from treating other people like shit. This was the heart of my problem. Everywhere I looked in Christia...

“Too hard.” How many times have you heard that phrase? I’ve heard it a lot. When you wrestle with mental health issues, this phrase and concept especially seems to come up. In church, it was too hard to please God because “all have sinned and fall short.” At home it was too hard to please my family because of my uncontrollable emotional outbursts and overwhelming circumstances. Around everyone else it was too hard to be who they wanted me to be because I hyperventilated and started experiencing painful muscle spasms they all got uncomfortable with. It often felt like every place I turned, especially as a teen, everyone expected me to be someone else . When I was young I clung to my Christian faith like God was the only life raft there was to save me, but I couldn’t quite get in and so I constantly felt like I was about to drown. I clung and clung, trying to feel accepted by someone as people (peers and adults alike) alienated me because I made them uncomfortable. It was ...