lessons learned in extraordinary ways

One of the most difficult things about growing up in the church with a blanket of "mental illness" over your head is that its theology can result in some pretty messed up conclusions.

For instance, Christian theology taught me that humans are awful apart from Christ. Doesn't sound too bad, but add the plethora of sins we supposedly can't help but commit even "after" or "with" Christ and it becomes impossible to please God no matter what you do. The answer they have to this is heaven. So, I naturally concluded that dying and going to heaven was my answer and sought to make that happen sooner rather than later.

I was alone at home on a hot afternoon. A young teenager, angry and hopeless and in tears. I had decided that slitting my wrist and bleeding out was the way I was going to end it all. Right then. With the knife to my wrist, someone said my name. I put the knife down and called out, afraid someone had come home and would catch me. I walked around the house. No one was there. I thought I must have been hearing things so, back to the knife I went. Again, I heard my name, "Kelly, don't do this." It was that phrase that sealed it, God was talking to me...audibly. "Don't do this," He repeated. I was pissed that God would try to stop me and sobbed, "why not?" The answer changed my life.

"Because I love you."

My Elohim's plan is for me and you to live, not die and go to heaven.

When you have mental health problems you are often, sometimes accidentally, treated like a problem. An inconvenience. Less than human. In the church, you are treated like a special kind of sinner who needs some extra doses of Jesus. To this day I am still in awe of the fact that YHWH intervened in that moment to tell me that he loves me and wanted me to live. I am astonished that both the "world," as Christian's dictate, and the "church" teach us all that we need a way out of living.

A way out of this difficult situation, a way out of depression, a way out of sadness, a way out of grief, a way out of anything they deem bad or inconvenient to themselves. Whether the answer is medicine or Jesus, the message is still the same: we need a way out of feeling bad. But why? What is so wrong with being depressed while we process difficult situations in our lives? What is so wrong with grieving for 5 years instead of 5 days? Why is everyone so uncomfortable with feelings? We all feel them at one point or another!

We do not need a way out of life and living. We need a way out of being shunned for our feelings.

If you wrestle with depression, remember: 
life is your answer and you are the only one who can make it awesome. 

All my love to you,

Kelly Ann