the destructive power of assumption
Once upon a time my parents were told by psychiatrists that I was anorexic and had a panic disorder.
Anorexic because no one bothered to mention that a loss of appetite is a common side effect of anti-depressants in young children. I was institutionalized for not eating and then hospitalized when I could hardly stand on my own. I was 10 years old.
A panic disorder because I had a phobia of vomit and didn't know how to handle being overwhelmed by chaotic situations.
Fast forward to college and I had learned how to panic over new situations without hyperventilating. I even learned how to handle vomit to a degree. However, my symptoms got worse. I started going paralyzed out of the blue, without panicking over anything. New symptoms arose like extreme dizziness, muscle weakness, mental confusion and disorientation. So I became distraught and even depressed.
Then one day, in a delightfully hot bath with melancholy thoughts, I suddenly found myself breathing water. I FREAKED. I got out and immediately called someone to tell them that I had just tried to commit suicide, putting myself on a 72 hour watch with a therapist. I remember my roommate getting mad at me and asking if I had even thought of her and what it would be like for her to find me. The truth was, I didn't think of anything when it happened.
The truth is, I had had a non-epileptic seizure in the bathtub joined by the mental confusion and disorientation of porphyria. The hot water had triggered it but I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was the years of professionals, and therefore my parents, assuming and treating me like I wanted nothing better than to kill myself. That day, I believed them. How else could I explain it? They had been putting it into my head, one way or another, for 20 years.
We have to stop talking about depression like suicide is the only way out of it.
Millions of people struggle with depression. It's a proven fact.
Life is harder when you feel completely out of control of your feelings and body. That is true. But you are not alone in feeling that way. That feeling is common and therefore, ought to be treated like a common cold is treated. With options. A healthy way out. There are reasons for your individual depression, a series of direct causes. Even if you don't know what they are, when there is a cause there is treatment. I wish someone had told me that when I was 10 years old instead of filling my head with suicide.
We are bombarded on all sides with this idea that death is better/easier than life.
You have issues and people suddenly look concerned and start asking you "do you ever think about killing yourself?" My response as a child that I never voiced was, "well I am now!" If everyone around you jumps from sad/melancholy/depressed to suicide without blinking an eye, then eventually you will too. This has to stop.
Most of my depression has come from giving up because things were too hard. But things are never too hard, just hard enough to prove how capable we can be. What do you think might be some of the causes of your depression?
Signing off for now,
Kelly Ann
A panic disorder because I had a phobia of vomit and didn't know how to handle being overwhelmed by chaotic situations.
Fast forward to college and I had learned how to panic over new situations without hyperventilating. I even learned how to handle vomit to a degree. However, my symptoms got worse. I started going paralyzed out of the blue, without panicking over anything. New symptoms arose like extreme dizziness, muscle weakness, mental confusion and disorientation. So I became distraught and even depressed.
Then one day, in a delightfully hot bath with melancholy thoughts, I suddenly found myself breathing water. I FREAKED. I got out and immediately called someone to tell them that I had just tried to commit suicide, putting myself on a 72 hour watch with a therapist. I remember my roommate getting mad at me and asking if I had even thought of her and what it would be like for her to find me. The truth was, I didn't think of anything when it happened.
The truth is, I had had a non-epileptic seizure in the bathtub joined by the mental confusion and disorientation of porphyria. The hot water had triggered it but I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was the years of professionals, and therefore my parents, assuming and treating me like I wanted nothing better than to kill myself. That day, I believed them. How else could I explain it? They had been putting it into my head, one way or another, for 20 years.
We have to stop talking about depression like suicide is the only way out of it.
Millions of people struggle with depression. It's a proven fact.
Life is harder when you feel completely out of control of your feelings and body. That is true. But you are not alone in feeling that way. That feeling is common and therefore, ought to be treated like a common cold is treated. With options. A healthy way out. There are reasons for your individual depression, a series of direct causes. Even if you don't know what they are, when there is a cause there is treatment. I wish someone had told me that when I was 10 years old instead of filling my head with suicide.
We are bombarded on all sides with this idea that death is better/easier than life.
You have issues and people suddenly look concerned and start asking you "do you ever think about killing yourself?" My response as a child that I never voiced was, "well I am now!" If everyone around you jumps from sad/melancholy/depressed to suicide without blinking an eye, then eventually you will too. This has to stop.
Most of my depression has come from giving up because things were too hard. But things are never too hard, just hard enough to prove how capable we can be. What do you think might be some of the causes of your depression?
Signing off for now,
Kelly Ann
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