When you're alone and life is keeping you lonely...

There is little I like less than intermittently being unable to walk. I just spent two days painfully using a cane to walk. I wish I had a wheelchair to get around in for these moments but neither my house or work has wheelchair access. Using a cane when your legs don't want to hold you up is so painful. The palms of my hands, my fingers, my wrists, my arms all hurt from holding me up for two days. Yesterday morning I pretty much slid down the ladder from our loft bed to go to the bathroom, which is currently in a different house because ours is out of order. When I reached the steps to my tiny house on the way back I literally sat down and dragged myself up them. I was so exhausted when I made it inside I just sat on the floor with my head on the couch crying. This is life. This, apparently, is Porphyria. 

It hurts to be this physically weak and I hate feeling useless. When you suddenly can't walk and you don't know how many days the muscle weakness will claim, it's depressing. I can't work. I can't cook for myself if it involves more than a microwave. I can barely walk myself to the bathroom. And everyone around me has to pick up the slack, so I'm left alone. Napping, reading (if I can comprehend it that day), watching movies, whatever it is I can manage to do. It's boring, lonely, depressing, and discouraging. 

But still, I have to say that I am really thankful. Thankful for my husband and all the people in my life, for beer, for scotch, for wine, for sunshine, for my dogs, for the puppy constantly begging me to throw her ball, for books to read, for dvd's to watch, for my mandolin, entertaining text messages, and so many other things. Maybe one day I will have a wheelchair for my bad days and then I won't have to sit, confined at home every time it happens. Then I will be thankful for that too. 

Cheers to the bright side and all the wonderful people in my life,

Kelly Ann