The Life of Glory

Eight years. That is how long it has been since I've been able to really push myself physically without dire, couch-ridden consequences. Eight long years of trying and failing to remain consistently active. 2012 was the year I got the flu that changed everything. It took 6 months for me to be able to walk places without having to sleep for two days to recover. Since then it has been two steps forward and 10 steps back. Now, finally , I am doing yoga at home consistently and hiking and bicycling with minor  setbacks. Seriously. MINOR. I don't think I could be more stoked. I really feel like this is the year I can get back on my feet. Build up the muscle I still remember having and keep forgetting I don't have anymore. The year I might even be able to get to a point where opening a jar doesn't cause 10 minute tremors from the effort. I pushed myself on a hike last week and my dizziness had me stumbling and exhausted by the end of it. But one nap and a good night...

I've been reflecting a lot on what Christian's call Holy Week and how it parallels Matzot (or the week of unleavened bread commanded in the Torah).  I never liked Easter with its easter egg hunts and flowery dresses and white lilies everywhere. None of which having anything to do with the messages they were throwing at me about Jesus and his death and resurrection. But when  I started being Torah obedient, the festivals commanded in the Torah as "a law forever throughout your generations, in all your dwellings" changed everything for me. In this case, Matzot. The week including and following the Passover dinner which, today, can only require unleavened bread and bitter herbs while you keep your shoes on and whatever else you put on to go on a journey. A week of "remembrance."  And I am in awe of Matzot this week. Messiah came and made all of YHWH's festivals that much more meaningful and beautiful, but this  festival is full of  promise . Wher...

When I was in college, I was obsessed with Deuteronomy 30:11. "For this command which I am commanding you today, it is not too hard for you , nor is it far off." As I've mentioned before, I was studying theology in college and struggling with mental and physical illness. All my studying kept bringing me back to the question that was defining me at the time, "what's the point in living?" and I kept reverting back to suicide.  This verse was my lifeline.  Christian theology was telling me that the Old Testament laws were too hard to obey and that is why Jesus came. But, as a perfectionist, "too hard" is too much for me to bear. However, these words told me that it was , in fact, possible to please/obey and therefore, love God. When I finally found YHWH in the Torah, He led me to a simple and beautiful beginning.  Biblical Festivals/Shabbats and the dietary laws. Nothing complicated. Just weekly rest, 7 festivals, and changin...

Christian theology emphasizes our fallen world and fallen humanity right and left. Jesus came to be the "2nd Adam" because the first Adam condemned us all to be slaves to sin (no matter how hard we fight it).  I have a big problem with this teaching. The aim is to point everyone to their need for salvation and make what is holy fundamentally necessary in our lives (i.e., to point us to Christ). However, the reality is that it teaches us to look down on our planet, ourselves, and those around us as fallen or ruined until Christ comes again. Salvation is supposed to be what sets us free from this slavery to sin and death. However, Christianity never gave me freedom from sin. It merely gave me freedom to confess my sins and gave me forgiveness . Sure, that perfect, utopian, absolute freedom from sin happens when you die or Jesus returns, but what about now? I'll be honest, as a kid, it made me hate myself, and want to kill myself. I'm talking ...

I was washing my hands in the bathroom, coughing through my sore throat and cold. But when I grabbed for the hand towel, I went down . I felt my muscles weaken and get heavy underneath me as the world started floating around me. I fell hard on my knees and before I could steady myself, my shoulder slammed into the ground and my head followed suit. All I could do was cry. Alone. Unable to call for help. Unable to get up for who knows how long. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. I didn't have a clock or a phone. When I got back to our tiny house, tears rushing down my face and new bruises forming, I didn't have the strength to open our finicky door.   This is life with Porphyria/NES. But when it's done, it's done.  I am not sharing this so you feel sorry for me. I am sharing this because within it is my greatest comfort. There really is a time for everything and none  of it is bad . People shy away from you when you're suffering because let's...

The greatest gift that my Elohim (God) ever gave me was to tell me that He was set apart from the “Church.” Different from, and not equal to all the shit I was experiencing from church people and all the doctrine I was wrestling with. It happened several years ago. I was just done with everything. Believing in God was exhausting and too painful. So I set out to become an atheist. Only God wouldn’t stop talking. He reminded me of Scripture I didn’t even know I had memorized while watching movies, tv shows, reading books that weren’t supposed to be his mouthpiece. Every day, He spoke to me. So, I challenged Him. I went for a hike and I challenged God’s existence and character, until finally I said, “If you are like [list of names I won’t mention] then I want nothing to do with you.” The answer was earth shattering for me. I sat down and cried for an hour, probably. Completely confused and dumbfounded by its meaning. “I am not the church.” “Who are you, then?” I asked. “Rea...

Have you ever had friends reject you because they were apparently incapable of meeting you where you were at? Had friends that made you feel like everything you ever said fell on deaf ears? It has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit, but the latest one hurt the most. Maybe because of all the ones that had come before, but I'm not doing a good job of getting over this one . It fed my fears and insecurities just when they were starting to heal.  So, let me speak what I need spoken to myself: It's okay to be broken, you won't always be broken. It's okay to question and search, it means you're not giving up. It's okay to vent, it means you're trying to work through everything. It's okay to be silent, it means you're tired and in need of the rest that will help you heal. It's okay to not be okay  people! It is so easy to give up. Especially when Christian friends treat you worse than non-Christian...