when seeds start to sprout hope

When I was in college, I was obsessed with Deuteronomy 30:11.

"For this command which I am commanding you today, it is not too hard for you, nor is it far off."

As I've mentioned before, I was studying theology in college and struggling with mental and physical illness. All my studying kept bringing me back to the question that was defining me at the time, "what's the point in living?" and I kept reverting back to suicide. This verse was my lifeline. 

Christian theology was telling me that the Old Testament laws were too hard to obey and that is why Jesus came. But, as a perfectionist, "too hard" is too much for me to bear. However, these words told me that it was, in fact, possible to please/obey and therefore, love God.

When I finally found YHWH in the Torah, He led me to a simple and beautiful beginning. 

Biblical Festivals/Shabbats and the dietary laws.

Nothing complicated. Just weekly rest, 7 festivals, and changing my diet. It was a starting point to seeing Scripture clearly, as if a light had been turned on. It was the first time God ever made complete sense to me. I read everything in the Torah about each festival to pick out what is commanded for each one and I began my journey. Not worrying about Jewish traditions or anyone else's opinion, but reading Hebrew and English translations to interpret them at face value. As a result, I let go of Christmas and Easter for good. I stopped feeling guilty about not going to church every week. I was free for the first time in my life to feel like I was actually getting to know my God, personally. 

For the first time in my life I learned what real peace felt like. 

And I lost friends for embracing it. 

I don't think they knew just how desperate I was, or how much and how long I'd been struggling. I certainly hadn't known enough to articulate it at that time. I was just mad at theology for leading me down such a despondent path. But I really think that it wasn't just atheism I was headed toward, I was headed toward giving up and killing myself. As my best friend says, it's like my faith has always been what is in my veins. Without it, I would have had no life left. So once again, God saved my life. He perfectly orchestrated a string of events and people that set me up to succeed in finding Him. 

So, I no longer think that YHWH made us in His image to never live up to His standards. Or to wait to die while doing our "best" to be good and tell everyone else how great death, or the new earth, will be if you believe in Jesus. I think He made us in His image to live in His image.

To live. That is my hope and my joy. That no matter how hard a day is, I can do something awesome because God created me to be able to choose awesome. Like get out of bed and go to work, even when I'm so depressed and fatigued that this simple task feels impossible. After all, it wouldn't be awesome if it was easy to do.

So if you or someone you know is feeling hopeless right now, don't give up. You have so many beautiful choices to make and so many things to enjoy today and in the future. The other side of each struggle is a victory worthy of a party when you persevere. So don't give up. Rest when you need to and strive for change when you can. 

Wishing you all the best,

KELLY ANN