when theology offends and almost destroys you

Christian theology emphasizes our fallen world and fallen humanity right and left. Jesus came to be the "2nd Adam" because the first Adam condemned us all to be slaves to sin (no matter how hard we fight it). 

I have a big problem with this teaching.

The aim is to point everyone to their need for salvation and make what is holy fundamentally necessary in our lives (i.e., to point us to Christ). However, the reality is that it teaches us to look down on our planet, ourselves, and those around us as fallen or ruined until Christ comes again.

Salvation is supposed to be what sets us free from this slavery to sin and death. However, Christianity never gave me freedom from sin. It merely gave me freedom to confess my sins and gave me forgiveness. Sure, that perfect, utopian, absolute freedom from sin happens when you die or Jesus returns, but what about now?

I'll be honest, as a kid, it made me hate myself, and want to kill myself. I'm talking 11 year old me who went to church and read the Bible regularly but always felt like Christianity was just teasing me with hope so they could take it away again when I asked too many questions. 

Every sermon about the gospel consists of 1.) You are horrible apart from Christ. 2.) Repent of your sins. 3.) Jesus will cleanse you of your sins and grant you eternal life in heaven. 

But tell a church leader that you have nothing to confess and boy do they lay into you and start making up "sins" that you probably committed. How is that hopeful? How is that edifying? 

I was left with a question I couldn't find an answer to. Once you are "in Christ," then what? Apparently you don't stop sinning (they told me that is not possible). So what's the point? 

The only point that made sense to me was that it is better to die than to live. Yes, I said it and I meant it. Even studying theology in college, I would revert back to this conclusion. If my only hope is to wake up every morning to confess and surrender every little thought and word to Jesus for the rest of my life so I can get to heaven, then I don't see the point. The scenario always ends the same: I cannot please God, with or without Christ. Christ just gives me forgiveness when I repent.

So I threw it all away.

But when YHWH told me to read the Torah one more time (just a few years ago), I found a different Gospel. I didn't find an Elohim constantly mad at people for stupid shit like getting mad in traffic. I found a gracious, straightforward, lovingly committed Elohim and Messiah who tell you exactly how to live long and prosper in YHWH's good, pleasing and perfect will. I found a word that says, "be perfect" and expects you to actually be perfect because they made it simple to do so. I found hope. 

For those who are believers and may be looking down on me and shaking your head because I interpreted your Gospel to mean I should kill myself, I do not need saving. Clearly, 11 year old Kelly Ann has grown into 33 year old Kelly Ann and did not kill herself (literally because of divine intervention - read the story here). No, my story is not that I fell from grace, but that I got back up.

So if you have also found Christianity hopeless, all I have to say is: I am so sorry and don't give up. 

YHWH is not equal to theology, or church for that matter. Theology is the discovery of YHWH. 

So keep on wrestling and searching Scripture. I know I will. 

Shalom my friends,

KELLY ANN