if we were all equals in the kingdom

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Have you ever had friends reject you because they were apparently incapable of meeting you where you were at? Had friends that made you feel like everything you ever said fell on deaf ears? It has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit, but the latest one hurt the most. Maybe because of all the ones that had come before, but I'm not doing a good job of getting over this one. It fed my fears and insecurities just when they were starting to heal. 

So, let me speak what I need spoken to myself:

It's okay to be broken, you won't always be broken.

It's okay to question and search, it means you're not giving up.

It's okay to vent, it means you're trying to work through everything.

It's okay to be silent, it means you're tired and in need of the rest that will help you heal.

It's okay to not be okay people!


It is so easy to give up. Especially when Christian friends treat you worse than non-Christian friends. But that still small voice changed my life several years ago with these words: 
"I am not them (Christians), I am not the 'church.'"
YHWH gave me the freedom to question and turn to the Tanakh to answer the burning question I had after hearing that. "Who are you?" And I've been studying ever since, off and on. Trying to share my little milestones with those that I thought were my friends because I was excited about every little bit of hope I found in Scripture that proved my Elohim is nothing like all the bad I see in organized religion and all the hurt I've experienced from its followers. 

I am being convinced more and more that church teaches people to not listen to or value others that are not proven leaders within its organization. They have been conditioned to believe that not agreeing with every doctrinal detail is equal to denying Christ/God/Salvation. 

They do not know how to listen and speak as equals embarking on a journey to search for a beautiful pattern of absolute, unchangeable truth. They are told that Christian history and leaders and theology has already found it for them. 

They are, in effect, telling me that I do not matter.

I am certain they aren't consciously thinking this. They don't even notice that they start talking in circles and have stopped responding to what I'm saying because they clearly haven't actually heard what I said. They are trained that taking things with a grain of salt means listening with a protective filter built by all the theology they learned in Church which, therefore, shaped what they saw in Scripture. Their protective filter tells them that questioning is bad.

Some specific Christians, and church culture in general, make me want to become an atheist but I'm not an atheist. YHWH, the Holy Spirit, and Yeshua directly keep me from giving up on my faith. I'm just so tired of thinking I have friends that turn out to be monsters with very sharp teeth who suddenly turn to attack me only to betray how little they heard, know and value me. It hurts too much.

I don't actually disagree completely with Christian theology. I have some serious sore spots, yes. There are things in Church history and theology that I have found utterly harmful to myself and humans in general. Teachings that are actually destructive to our relationship with YHWH and our Messiah. But these bruises run too deep right now and I am too hurt to speak.

 Take care my friends. I know I'm not alone in this pit that I have found myself in.

 So until next time,
KELLY ANN

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