The Life of Glory

Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused ...

I took this selfie today while my dogs were eating. I had just woken up from a post seizure nap and flopped on the floor to feed them. I wasn’t going to post anything but this photo was so beautifully honest and raw, I had to. This picture shows my sadness, my weakness, my frustration, my real and beautiful self. Yesterday I went hiking with my husband, friends, and our dogs. Today I’m sitting on the floor, weak and in pain from another seizure. But all I can think of is a song by India Arie called Break the Shell. “Child it’s time to break the shell Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself You cannot fly, until you break the shell” I know I personally have a thick shell from a lot of pain but today, in the midst of my post seizure recovery, I know it’s starting to break. After years of wrestling with PTSD and NES and other incurable diseases while being shunned and ignored, I finally feel like freedom is around the corner. Hea...

Muscle weakness may last just a couple of days sometimes, but the emotional struggles it triggers linger much longer. Each day is one task at a time, pretending that I'm not afraid it will happen again. Especially now, as work is extremely busy, I push away the anxiety that threatens me around every turn. I have to remind myself that I can only do what I can and I have to be okay with not doing what I cannot.  It has taken me years to recognize this. That there are things I cannot, in fact, do.  ...and that is okay. Saying you can't do something is not saying you can't do anything .  So I stop to smell the wildflowers, make time to read, play Solitaire or Kings in the Corner. Whatever I can make time to do to quiet my mind and think of nothing or anything else. But most importantly, I focus on people.  The people around me don't care if I use a cane, or don't come to work for a couple days, or need to ask for help with a few meals or with my dogs....

There is little I like less  than intermittently being unable to walk. I just spent two days painfully using a cane to walk. I wish I had a wheelchair to get around in for these moments but neither my house or work has wheelchair access. Using a cane when your legs don't want to hold you up is so painful. The palms of my hands, my fingers, my wrists, my arms all hurt from holding me up for two days. Yesterday morning I pretty much slid down the ladder from our loft bed to go to the bathroom, which is currently in a different house because ours is out of order. When I reached the steps to my tiny house on the way back I literally sat down and dragged myself up them. I was so exhausted when I made it inside I just sat on the floor with my head on the couch crying. This is life. This, apparently, is Porphyria.  It hurts to be this physically weak and I hate  feeling useless . When you suddenly can't walk and you don't know how many days the muscle weakness will c...

To the friends and family of those with PTSD, Anything that reminds us of our trauma, be it a gesture or a phrase, makes it hard for us to open up to you. Trust is now defined by our baggage. If you do not understand our baggage, you will  hurt our feelings and we will  have a hard time trusting you. Even if we grow to trust you in everything, it takes just one phrase for us to guard certain parts of ourselves from you, almost indefinitely. It is our only defense after the hurt and damage that has already been caused.  PTSD teaches us that we can only trust others so far . That there is no one to count on but ourselves. This is probably the biggest tragedy of PTSD in today's culture. Trust is damaged and no one is acknowledging this fact to repair it.  This is not to say that you can never say anything that reminds someone with PTSD of their traumatic experiences. That would be impossible. We, as the victim of PTSD need to have the freedom to express ...

I was an unofficial foster parent when I was 23 to my oldest niece. Unofficial because I received no financial aid and bore the full brunt of having a 13 year old dependent. It was not  the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone thought I was in over my head and made sure to tell me frequently. That  was the hardest part. The judgment people around us projected onto us. I didn't mind our tempers rising, her fits when I told her no, or the sessions we had after every outburst to talk it out when we both calmed down. I didn't mind the 11-16 hours work days I had to do to put a roof over our heads or spending the summer homeschooling her so she could pass the seventh grade. I didn't even mind that I had to wash our clothes in the bathtub with a washboard because I couldn't afford the laundromat every week  and  put food in the kitchen. I didn't mind because of the movie nights, conversations, hikes, and adventures that we shared. All the sweet moments, true frie...

Non epileptic seizures are not curable, nor do doctors fully understand their origin. Therefore, it is up to me to figure out what works and what doesn't. Here are a few tricks I have learned that work for me... Distraction can be a good word . Managing stress is often a balancing act and sometimes I need to choose to be distracted from tasks that stress me out at that moment. 10 minutes or an hour can make a world of difference when I switch to a task or activity that does not  stress me out. Regularly practicing this helps me avoid multiple seizures. Physical activity helps . I know people say this all the time, but physical stimming, dancing, walking, bike riding, any kind of physical movement really does make a difference. Sometimes I can't do much activity because my muscles are too weak, but whatever level I can manage helps me process my thoughts by physically releasing my emotions in this way.  You need a support system.  Honestly, embarrassment and panic w...