on trauma

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To the friends and family of those with PTSD,

Anything that reminds us of our trauma, be it a gesture or a phrase, makes it hard for us to open up to you. Trust is now defined by our baggage. If you do not understand our baggage, you will hurt our feelings and we will have a hard time trusting you. Even if we grow to trust you in everything, it takes just one phrase for us to guard certain parts of ourselves from you, almost indefinitely. It is our only defense after the hurt and damage that has already been caused. 

PTSD teaches us that we can only trust others so far. That there is no one to count on but ourselves. This is probably the biggest tragedy of PTSD in today's culture. Trust is damaged and no one is acknowledging this fact to repair it. 

This is not to say that you can never say anything that reminds someone with PTSD of their traumatic experiences. That would be impossible. We, as the victim of PTSD need to have the freedom to express the pain triggered and you are the only one who can make that possible. If you notice a friend, spouse, family member who you know has PTSD clamming up and shutting you out, then ask. Often times, asking once isn't enough. We do not trust you right now because you triggered pain. If you get frustrated because we aren't ready to talk, we will shut you out even longer and deeper. It takes patience and understanding and gentleness to help us trust you and you are the only one who can do it. 

I know from my personal experience, every time I shut someone out of my feelings it is because my PTSD has been triggered. I also know from personal experience how deeply I long for someone to gently ask what's on my mind or how I'm doing or what's wrong without looking like they are frustrated or in a rush. Ask, with a tone and the body language that says "it's okay to tell me." It only takes one frustrated tone and I will never tell you about that one feeling unless you approach the subject gently and earnestly. 

The downside is bitterness. Family feels like we are shutting them out and keeping things from them and they get frustrated, while we hide in fear of our own feelings and theirs. 

Don't let bitterness continue if your loved one is shutting you out. Set aside time and be ready to ask specific questions and listen. Also, do not, whatever you do, get offended. This is about our feelings, not yours. You did not hurt us intentionally, you triggered an existing hurt. Maybe you even unwittingly added to it, making it deeper. But if you do not care enough to ask and listen, we will never trust you and we will continue to have a hard time trusting anyone. 

Signing off until next time,

Kelly Ann



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