maybe I'm strong, or maybe I'm just stupid and stubborn

-
For the longest time I honestly thought my symptoms were just going to kill me someday. I would be laying there completely paralyzed and only able to blink on purpose, waiting to die because doctors had no clue what was going on. And, honestly, I was okay with that. I stopped caring. I wasn't scared. I just embraced each day and stopped denying myself what made me happy. 

I have this picture hanging on the wall of my tiny house. 

Taking this picture was kind of stupid, but I don't regret it. The falls were so frozen people were ice climbing them that year. So after work on January 14, 2012, I grabbed my dog and we went for a short, late afternoon hike. The falls were so frozen I could only hear a faint trickle of water, and I got this picture from the top of the large boulders around the top. Then it happened. My dog had been a pill the whole 20 minutes it took to get to this spot with my cane to take the picture, but suddenly he really started freaking out. So I stepped back and sat down with him a safe distance from the 176 foot frozen drop that is Frazier Falls. I posted a different picture on instagram and tried to comfort Henry. But it wasn't long before the world started spinning and I was laying down, paralyzed. I don't know how long I was there, honestly. Henry curled up next to me until I could sit up, and then I was finally able to get up with my cane but my legs were so weak. Thankfully, when I reached the trail, there are benches throughout the paved path and I sat at each and every one of them. Out of breath and quivering from the effort. By the time I got back to the car, I just sat there with the heater on for a little while to relax. When I got home, I slept. 


Maybe I'm just too stubborn, but boy were the falls beautiful that day! People talk like perseverance is some sacred virtue that people rarely have, but the truth is, sometimes you just have no other choice. I wasn't about to leave myself and my dog outside alone overnight with no supplies in freezing temperatures. I just made it happen. I crawled part of the way and walked after I reached the first bench. 


It's nothing special, except that this picture reminds me of just what I am capable of. 

So I look at this picture and remember that I have no excuse. If I can do that, I can do anything I need to do. 

The same goes for you. You don't know what you are capable of doing until you have no other choice and you just do what you've got to do. 

Cheers to accomplishing more than we ever thought we could!
KELLY ANN


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

breaking the shell one piece at a time

-
Image
Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused
Read more

recap round one

-
Image
 Saturday, March 23  The Day of the Wedding: I was fine...and then I wasn't. " It was time to start lining up to walk down the isle. I was one of the bridesmaids and my back started having painful muscle spasms. I thought I could push through it at first, but when I stood up to go get in line my legs fell underneath me and forced me to sit back down. Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized that I was going to miss the ceremony. One of my best friends was getting married and I was going to miss it. I was happy beyond words for her as she stood arm in arm with her father ready to walk. She looked over her shoulder, giving me the okay to stay behind. I wept. I knew this was likely to happen when I woke up that morning, but it snuck up on me and caught me off guard at the worst possible time. The spasms increased as I listened to the processional from my little room. The bride's uncle and his wife stayed at my side and talked me through each painful set of spasms. The
Read more

when mental problems become physical

-
Have you ever felt betrayed? Alone? While in church? I did. One too many times. Having "mental problems" while being involved in church is okay until you become "too much" for people to handle. This is the hard lesson I learned. Over and over again. Until I got to the point where I wanted nothing to do with church or God. What's the problem? I'm a strong-willed, tenacious, and logical woman with NES (non-epileptic seizures). My seizures are a result of PTSD from a lifetime of trauma, including being told  I had mental problems without having had them. At least, there is no evidence that my "problems" were legitimately mental disorders. Yes, I experienced depression and was suicidal after  the psychiatrists and medication and pressure. Who wouldn't be? When you are expected to be suicidal, how can you not be? These phantom  problems followed me to every school, every college, every job. Before I knew it was NES or how to deal
Read more