breaking the shell one piece at a time

Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life.

I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went. 

The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused her to stumble by going to church and the Bible said not to do that (she quoted it to me and everything). So I stopped going to church. 

I remember yelling at God, "if this is what you are like I want nothing to do with you!"

So I had nothing to do with Him. But that still, small, quiet voice kept speaking to me when I watched movies or read books or went hiking as I am apt to do. Scripture came to my mind to answer every rebuttal I had for God. It got so intense that when God told me, straight out, to read the Torah, I did it without question. I spent eight days reading the Torah straight through. The more I read, the more subtle changes I saw in modern theology that had directly lead to my personal demise.  

Christians in my life tried reaching out to me, only to make things worse and abuse me further by not listening. Theology was thrown at me like heavy bricks as no one bothered to hear me out or consider what God was speaking to me. I found fault in some theological teachings and truth in the Word of God, but they all just assumed they needed to save me. No one was willing to commune with me where God had me. As if God only spoke to them and anything he said to me was clearly satan talking or something. I did not matter. 

So my bitterness for religion continued. Every glimmer of hope that someone cared to know what God was teaching me was met with more dissension and unnecessary, hurtful reproof. God, YHWH, the Word was speaking wonders to me and I found them life changing, astonishing, groundbreaking, and beautiful. But my soul took a dreadful beating for sharing it, so I stopped talking.

Today, I don't talk to any of my Christian friends. I do not go to church. I have been forced out of that life for finding fault in theological teachings and trying to share what set me free from the abuse they caused. Not the abuse that people caused mind you, but the abuse that what they were taught caused. 

Here's to breaking my shell one piece at a time to share my painful story and heal. 🍻

Until next time,

KELLY ANN