home sweet mountain home

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after the storm...

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recap round one

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 Saturday, March 23  The Day of the Wedding: I was fine...and then I wasn't. " It was time to start lining up to walk down the isle. I was one of the bridesmaids and my back started having painful muscle spasms. I thought I could push through it at first, but when I stood up to go get in line my legs fell underneath me and forced me to sit back down. Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized that I was going to miss the ceremony. One of my best friends was getting married and I was going to miss it. I was happy beyond words for her as she stood arm in arm with her father ready to walk. She looked over her shoulder, giving me the okay to stay behind. I wept. I knew this was likely to happen when I woke up that morning, but it snuck up on me and caught me off guard at the worst possible time. The spasms increased as I listened to the processional from my little room. The bride's uncle and his wife stayed at my side and talked me through each painful set of spasms. The
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when mental problems become physical

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Have you ever felt betrayed? Alone? While in church? I did. One too many times. Having "mental problems" while being involved in church is okay until you become "too much" for people to handle. This is the hard lesson I learned. Over and over again. Until I got to the point where I wanted nothing to do with church or God. What's the problem? I'm a strong-willed, tenacious, and logical woman with NES (non-epileptic seizures). My seizures are a result of PTSD from a lifetime of trauma, including being told  I had mental problems without having had them. At least, there is no evidence that my "problems" were legitimately mental disorders. Yes, I experienced depression and was suicidal after  the psychiatrists and medication and pressure. Who wouldn't be? When you are expected to be suicidal, how can you not be? These phantom  problems followed me to every school, every college, every job. Before I knew it was NES or how to deal
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breaking the shell one piece at a time

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Religion hurt. Religious people hurt worse. There were always gems, of course. Genuine people that were an absolute blessing. But the bad and misguided outweighed the good in my life. I have a Bachelor's degree in Ministry Praxis, having studied Theology, Ancient Greek, Ancient Hebrew, and Pastoral Care. I was an intern as a Pastor's assistant and a TA for my Bible Professor. I worked as a youth pastor for two churches. I was a worship leader. I've seen people healed right in front of me. Prayed over someone having an asthma attack, unable to breathe, and watched it subside before my very eyes. I've met prophets and intercessors to be reckoned with, and been one myself. But abuse and abandonment followed me wherever I went.  The straw that broke my camel's back was a woman sending me awful emails every Sunday because her husband side hugged me. When she wrote, "your very presence causes me to stumble," I was done. She gave me no choice. I caused
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