home sweet mountain home

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after the storm...

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if we were all equals in the kingdom

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Have you ever had friends reject you because they were apparently incapable of meeting you where you were at? Had friends that made you feel like everything you ever said fell on deaf ears? It has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit, but the latest one hurt the most. Maybe because of all the ones that had come before, but I'm not doing a good job of getting over this one . It fed my fears and insecurities just when they were starting to heal.  So, let me speak what I need spoken to myself: It's okay to be broken, you won't always be broken. It's okay to question and search, it means you're not giving up. It's okay to vent, it means you're trying to work through everything. It's okay to be silent, it means you're tired and in need of the rest that will help you heal. It's okay to not be okay  people! It is so easy to give up. Especially when Christian friends treat you worse than non-Christian...
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Tricks of the disease

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Non epileptic seizures are not curable, nor do doctors fully understand their origin. Therefore, it is up to me to figure out what works and what doesn't. Here are a few tricks I have learned that work for me... Distraction can be a good word . Managing stress is often a balancing act and sometimes I need to choose to be distracted from tasks that stress me out at that moment. 10 minutes or an hour can make a world of difference when I switch to a task or activity that does not  stress me out. Regularly practicing this helps me avoid multiple seizures. Physical activity helps . I know people say this all the time, but physical stimming, dancing, walking, bike riding, any kind of physical movement really does make a difference. Sometimes I can't do much activity because my muscles are too weak, but whatever level I can manage helps me process my thoughts by physically releasing my emotions in this way.  You need a support system.  Honestly, embarrassment and panic w...
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learning what to do

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I remember one particular seizure in college that started teaching me how to deal with my non-epileptic seizures.   At the time, my college shared a building with a church. There was a full sized couch in one of our practice rooms (it was a music college) that doubled as a nursery. I often went to that room when I felt a seizure coming on so I could lay down safely and not repeatedly hit my head on a hard floor.  This particular day my blood pressure tanked out of the blue during my seizure. So I was laying on the couch, completely paralyzed and lightheaded, with beads of sweat lightly covering me. My heart rate dropped and I remember asking God to kill me right then and there. I was ready. I was so tired.  Very clearly, it was like someone whispered next to my ear, "not yet." I remember crying angry tears then. It was all I could do. Then someone found me, turned on the light, and asked if I was ok. I couldn't answer but for a few quiet, stuttered word...
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