home sweet mountain home again

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20141021_121617

Dreaming about today instead of tomorrow...

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the destructive power of assumption

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Once upon a time my parents were told by psychiatrists that I was anorexic and had a panic disorder.  Anorexic because no one bothered to mention that a loss of appetite is a common side effect of anti-depressants in young children. I was institutionalized for not eating and then hospitalized when I could hardly stand on my own. I was 10 years old. A panic disorder because I had a phobia of vomit and didn't know how to handle being overwhelmed by chaotic situations. Fast forward to college and I had learned how to panic over new situations without hyperventilating. I even learned how to handle vomit to a degree. However, my symptoms got worse. I started going paralyzed out of the blue, without panicking over anything . New symptoms arose like extreme dizziness, muscle weakness, mental confusion and disorientation. So I became distraught and even depressed. Then one day, in a delightfully hot bath with melancholy thoughts, I suddenly found myself breathing water. I FREA...
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when mental problems become physical

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Have you ever felt betrayed? Alone? While in church? I did. One too many times. Having "mental problems" while being involved in church is okay until you become "too much" for people to handle. This is the hard lesson I learned. Over and over again. Until I got to the point where I wanted nothing to do with church or God. What's the problem? I'm a strong-willed, tenacious, and logical woman with NES (non-epileptic seizures). My seizures are a result of PTSD from a lifetime of trauma, including being told  I had mental problems without having had them. At least, there is no evidence that my "problems" were legitimately mental disorders. Yes, I experienced depression and was suicidal after  the psychiatrists and medication and pressure. Who wouldn't be? When you are expected to be suicidal, how can you not be? These phantom  problems followed me to every school, every college, every job. Before I knew it was NES or how to deal ...
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recap round one

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 Saturday, March 23  The Day of the Wedding: I was fine...and then I wasn't. " It was time to start lining up to walk down the isle. I was one of the bridesmaids and my back started having painful muscle spasms. I thought I could push through it at first, but when I stood up to go get in line my legs fell underneath me and forced me to sit back down. Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized that I was going to miss the ceremony. One of my best friends was getting married and I was going to miss it. I was happy beyond words for her as she stood arm in arm with her father ready to walk. She looked over her shoulder, giving me the okay to stay behind. I wept. I knew this was likely to happen when I woke up that morning, but it snuck up on me and caught me off guard at the worst possible time. The spasms increased as I listened to the processional from my little room. The bride's uncle and his wife stayed at my side and talked me through each painful set of spasms. The...
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