recap round four: I can't.

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July 2012
"'I can do all things through him who strengthens me' has been my mantra for many years but recently a woman from my church gave me the okay to say "I can't." She said 'we are only human, we have limits.' It is very hard for me to admit that. However, the freedom I have had this month by simply saying "I can't" and knowing that God gets it, is extraordinary. For the truth of the matter is that I can't handle this. I can't handle leaving church because my right arm won't work and I'm terrified it will move to the rest of my body and cause a scene. I might endure it, for I have no choice, but I really can't physically, emotionally or spiritually handle it. I'm going on 7 years of living like this, a slave to my body, with no answer as to why. And now it has progressed to a stage that prevents me from working like a normal person. Yet God gave us himself so we can live in the freedom of "I can't," because He can. He has no limits. So it's okay. There are some things I can't seem to do, but I have been enjoying outdoor activities in Graeagle and been comforted by the grace and fellowship of some amazing women this month.
- Praising God for a blessed month."
Untitled

This revelation last year changed me. I always hated being told I couldn't do something, and somehow had it in my head that because I knew Christ I really could do anything and face everything that came my way. Excuses were not allowed. I am so glad I was wrong! I have limits. I have to watch how much I exert myself and what I eat and the ways I exercise. I pay a big price when I overdo it and, honestly, find myself ashamed and even afraid of my disease. I despise the thought of being a burden to anyone, and yet find myself rejoicing that God doesn't care if I have a neuromuscular disease. It doesn't matter what I look like or how much cognitive or muscular ability I have today. He loves me. Not what I can do. It seems so hard to believe somehow. Yet, here I am going on eight years with these symptoms and discovering the freedom in accepting my limits and living within them. In fact, I never would have started pursuing music if I hadn't been too limited to follow my other ideas. God really does work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I said I couldn't handle it and God showed me visions for things that I can handle (which consequently are much better than my previous ideas). I don't know if you understand how truly outstanding God is, but He is continually proving it to me.  
Thankful.

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