the beauty and pain of testing everything

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The greatest gift that my Elohim (God) ever gave me was to tell me that He was set apart from the “Church.” Different from, and not equal to all the shit I was experiencing from church people and all the doctrine I was wrestling with.

It happened several years ago. I was just done with everything. Believing in God was exhausting and too painful. So I set out to become an atheist. Only God wouldn’t stop talking. He reminded me of Scripture I didn’t even know I had memorized while watching movies, tv shows, reading books that weren’t supposed to be his mouthpiece. Every day, He spoke to me. So, I challenged Him.

I went for a hike and I challenged God’s existence and character, until finally I said,
“If you are like [list of names I won’t mention] then I want nothing to do with you.”
The answer was earth shattering for me. I sat down and cried for an hour, probably. Completely confused and dumbfounded by its meaning.
“I am not the church.”
“Who are you, then?” I asked. “Read the Torah,” was my answer. I was convinced that this would be the last time I ever read the Torah or the Bible, period. I was so ready to be an atheist and just not care, but I gave God that week. A week of note taking and enlightenment. A week of meeting a straightforward, loving, and gentle, but fierce, Elohim that I could get behind and trust. All because God separated himself from the bullshit and gave me permission to truly test everything with that one conversation.

The weeks proceeding this revelation, I begged God over and over again, “be who You say You are.” The result?

This is the greatest season of my life. Sure, I’ve lost friends because “test everything” often sounds like “you’re full of shit, I’mma read what the Bible says.” But throwing out all other teachings, doctrines, video teachings, and everything that wasn’t the Bible, has been the most rewarding decision I’ve ever made. The freedom to question everything I've been taught and study the hard questions in Scripture has lead me to the greatest, most extraordinary answers. This is a season of discovery, and wisdom, and peace as I've never known them.

A season with an Elohim I can get behind because I am beginning to understand Him. Like one of my favorite verses says, "let us reason together." YHWH has been reasoning with me and He is proving that He is, in fact, who He says He is in the Torah and writings. 

So, whatever impression you have of me, I am living my best life and enjoying the riches of YHWH's love and truth. I am healing. I am studying. I am thriving through all the storms I meet. 

Comments

aschmay said…
That is something that I have always felt. I have never been very devout, but the relationship I do have with God is genuine - based off what I believe in my soul. I would rather have a little truth, that small savory knowledge that I know my God and he knows me. Even with that small sliver, it's richer than any time I have gone to church or tried to believe what I knew was not true, found illogical, or hard to believe. I would rather have that sliver, than an ocean of dedication to a God I don't truly believe in, trust, or know.

Taking the journey to figure out Truth, whether or not others support you, is insanely brave. Watching how you have come to know yourself and have confidence through YHWH and see how much healing you have experienced through Him has been a blessing. The friends you have lost very possibly could not have been friends with the person you are today, even if they could have come to terms with certain things.

You have grown, shed, evolved, changed, and not everyone is cut out to tread the same paths we make for ourselves. I look forward to trailing along and seeing the beautiful paths you take. ;) Much Love!
January 21, 2020 at 6:39 PM
KELLY ANN said…
<3 <3 <3 It has been a lonely journey as people misunderstand my quest for TRUTH, but the healing has been extraordinary. I think we should all have the freedom to question and search out what makes sense, even when it doesn't fit hundreds of years of taught doctrine. I cannot believe that my Elohim, creator of this organized and beautiful and resilient planet, would speak anything that is not logically true.

Thank you for staying alongside me on this beautiful journey. You are such a blessing. <3
January 26, 2020 at 2:51 PM
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